I survived, just in case anyone was wondering… 🙂

I had a very surreal moment at around 4 am, getting on the eastbound thruway. See, I haven’t driven this route since the breakup w/assboy. So here I am, driving down the highway in the wee hours of the morning, only my thoughts and the headlights of opposing traffic to keep me awake.

The thoughts just appear. I do nothing to summon them. They’re not sad, not wistful, not even angry. They’re just there.

Now, in the light of day, I’m not even sure what they were…the drive seems a faint memory, much like the relationship itself. Did I really spend 2 1/2 years of my life with him? Did I really think I was going to marry him?

It’s amazing to me, still, how much less I cry now. I wonder why I didn’t realize, all those times he asked me why I cried so much, that the reason was him.

I wrote a short story a while back that, while it had nothing to do with assboy or our relationship, has some moments in it that now seem strangely prophetic.

But here, in the dark of my room, I only know the pain of loving someone who can’t love me back.

Or maybe he does love me. Sometimes I think that he does. It just isn’t the way I
need to be loved, my narrator thought.

Maybe it had more to do with him than I believed when I was writing it…maybe it was my subconscious trying to tell me that I needed to move on.