Sometimes, I have a hard time understanding people. Via a link I clicked to through another link this morning, I read an article by a woman who decided on adoption after trying fertility treatments, and then a long discussion about infertility and adoption and various options in response to the article.
The insensitivity and rudeness astounds me, of course, but these comments really got under my skin:
It is important to understand that it is easier to conceive a child when both male and female are younger (below 30). That is how nature created us.
So it’s important to settle down in life and have a child sooner in life rather than waiting and exploring science (IVF etc).
For the life of me, I can’t understand what is wrong with the world. A woman has the best chance of having a “healthy” baby if the baby is conceived prior to age 30. With each year that passes 30 the risks (for mother as well as child) begin to pile up. I don’t know what they are teaching in school these days, but when I was in school in the 60’s this information was taught in “health” class. So, if a young woman had the idea that someday she’d like to be a mother, she was armed with the facts. If she ignored those facts, she was at least aware of the consequences that might be hers. This is the fact of the matter. A woman over 40 certainly may conceive, but if she does so, her health and the health of her baby will be at risk (not might be: will be). SO. With all the helpless, homeless babies out there in the world, who Need a home, and who Need someone to love and care for them, why on earth would a woman (who has, by her own choices, blown by her healthy childbearing years) not consider adopting one of these most needy children??
(emphasis mine)
As a soon-to-be 33-year-old woman, I can’t help but take statements like these personally.
I can’t ignore the arrogance and ignorance inherent in these statements. It’s not the 50s (or even the 70s) anymore. The world, and our culture, has changed. Perhaps some people still marry their high school sweethearts (I can only think of a few from my graduating class of 200, and one of them only came after a long on-and-off relationship), and of course, many people do marry their college sweethearts…but for others, the road to finding a life partner is much longer and bumpier.
Yeah, I had a high school sweetheart. Marrying him would have been a disaster, which is why I broke up with him.
Now as for K, my college sweetheart…of course I was sure we were going to be together forever. I figured we’d get married a year or so out of college (surely by the time I was 25!) and have a couple of kids before I was 30. I had it all planned out. Except sometimes life doesn’t go according to your plans. I wanted to marry K more than anything. He had other plans. (In retrospect, of course, I realize that we wouldn’t have been good for each other in the long run…)
The next several years were rough for me. I dated, but I didn’t encounter anyone I’d reasonably want to spend my life with. I didn’t even encounter anyone I wanted to spend a month with. Hmmm…maybe I should have been in more of a panic? Maybe I should have just settled for any suitable partner, gotten married, and started popping out kids…
Enter X. I was 26 when I met him. Before we had even hit the 1-year mark, he’d brought up the Big M. I loved him. I was happy. Of course we were going to get married.
Except…not. That relationship ended. I was 29. I would have married him. I would have spent my life with him. He was the one who chose to walk away (or push me away…). Would I have been happy with him? Who knows…
Then, just before I turned 30, I met Rand. I am happier than I ever imagined I could be. I’m glad K and X didn’t want to marry me.
Were these “my own choices,” though? In a way, I suppose they were. It was my choice to hold out for something exceptional rather than settle for anything less. It was my choice to wait for a person I might actually want to have a family with before even considering the possibility.
And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Of course I realize there are risks. Of course I realize it might be difficult, if not impossible, for me to have children. As far as the topic of the above-linked conversation, I’m very much open to the idea of adoption. That takes a teeny bit of the pressure off, but not totally. I realize that adoption can also be a long, difficult (and expensive) road. I’m not 100% sure what I want, or what the future holds, but I haven’t closed any doors yet.
A friend of mine once said (tongue firmly in cheek, of course) that a man should have two wives–one young, nubile one to bear the children and another more mature one to raise them.
If only it were that simple…
What the author of the article doesn’t seem to be considering is the advances in health care. Not just in terms of fertility but in terms of the general health of the population at 30, 40, 50. Certainly in western culture in our lifetime, the expectation of women was to marry and have children before 30. Today more women attend college, have careers or *gasp* choose to have a career instead of children. There’s also the assumption that all marriages must produce children, which is something we’re just now beginning to move away from, I think.
What bothers me is the assumption that in our 20s we’re emotionally ready to become parents. When we began trying to conceive, I was about 27. I didn’t conceive until I was 30 and the medical professionals I saw were never concerned with my age (I turned 34 the day after my second baby was born). The only “choice” I made in relation to my age was to have my tubes tied after my second pregnancy, which was also a medical decision (since I didn’t want to take hormone-based birth control after 35, not knowing any family medical history at the time). I’m glad that I was in my 30s when my children came along. I had a stronger sense of who I was and I think I was able to be a better parent.
It also bothers me that the author of this article assumes adoption is for everyone. It’s not. Of course it’s a wonderful option that can benefit many people but it’s a lengthy, complicated process and some people aren’t comfortable with the idea. And then some people really want a biological child.
Then after a baby or child is part of the family (whether via adoption or biology), what about the decision to stay home versus continuing one’s career? If only it were as simple as saying “I’m going to marry one of the first guys I find and have babies so I can get all that out of the way before I’m 30.” Like when the clock strikes, you’re magically over the medical hill.
I think I’m babbling. It happens to your brain after you have kids 😉
I should link the original article…it was written by a woman in her 30s who decided on adoption after going through a couple years of infertility treatments.
The comments were from asshat readers. 😉
As someone who is rather quickly approaching 30 (less then 5 months away), and is still not in a position to become a mother, it is hard not to take the comments personally. My mom was on her way to having a 3rd kiddo by the time she was 30. That idea scares the living daylights out of me. I was not ready to have kids in my 20s, and that’s OK. I would like them some day. My younger sister was 22 when she had my nephew, and she has done well so far. It is all an individual choice. And age doesn’t necessarily even matter – I already know I may have issues with conceiving at *any* age. It’s not all age related, which some people just don’t seem to get.
(and I mean choice in a much nicer way then the asshats – more like you mentioned in choosing to get what was the best for you, period, and not setteling just because you were the right age.) Something that pops in my head when I think about “where is my life going/ is it where I thought it would be” – “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
Not to worry, I knew what you meant…
And yes, that’s exactly what I was getting at! 🙂
My mother has basically given up the possibility of her being a grandmother. This bothers me, of course. I’m going to be 36, so it’s possible I could still conceive. The problem is that I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a long time, and I don’t feel any positive vibes in the finding a boyfriend department. I know it could happen at any time, but it’s nothing I can be sure of. And I certainly can’t predict if this imaginary boyfriend would even want to have kids. The other thing is that I am not in a financial position to adopt or even to be a single mom, courtesy of a sperm bank.
So, that’s my story.
Basically, we live in different times. When I hear about women in their 20s having kids, I think, “But they’re so young!”
Although the late teens and into the twenties might be the best time physically for a woman to bear children, I’m certainly not convinced that’s the best time to have them psychologically or financially.
Encouraging women to have children before they are psychologically or financially able to care for said children is idiotic.
Disclaimer: I’m childfree by choice, so while “I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies,” I do know a hell of a lot about choices. 😉
Great post. (You must be sitting in the air conditioning in some library or something to write so much 😉
I actually take the opposite approach and don’t take it personally at all. Is that bad? I think the commenters are obviously unenlightened. Period. But what fun it it to leave it at that when you can make fun of the “health class educated” ignorant? No fun at all. So I shall go on…
In less than 6 months I will be the age my mother was when she was suddenly left a widow with two teenage children, different time, different person, different circumstances.
I likely could have been quite unhappily married in my 20’s And I could have had a child at this point in my life, without being married. What does this all mean? Nothing. It’s my life.
What can be said for all the women in their “childbearing prime” who can’t conceive? And what about women in their 30’s/40’s who have unprotected sex, once and get pregnant? And let us not forget the men… I mean my GOD what happens if you want to have a child with a MAN who has fertility problems?
I’m currently much more worried about the fact that I am prone to depression, am overweight, have a love affair with coffee and MUST HAVE IBUPROFEN and ALLEGRA to get through these painful allergy seasons regarding my chances to conceive than I am about turning another year over 30. Age is one, of MANY factors. All it takes is one healthy egg and one healthy sperm.
The world is made up of the ignorant, and then there’s teh rest of us, who know that asshat comments make for exciting blog material and conversation, but aren’t worth a grain of salt.
Feh. If women are designed to pop out kids at (15-) 20 it’s probably because not all that long ago many (most?) of them were dead at 35. My mom had a kid at 35. I think I was over 40 when I (childless by choice) offered to carry the child a coworker (who wanted to have her husband’s child, but whose body wouldn’t take it) after discussion it with my gyn. This didn’t work out, but I think our bodies are changing as our environment (and survival) changes.
The whole subject is really loaded, and people seem to polarize and be the most offensive and vehement when they’re the least affected.
Just to put things in perspective, I was 41 when I had my boys. It might have been easier in many ways had I had kids when I was younger, but I just wasn’t ready. I would have made a lousy mom when I was younger. Everyone’s history and needs are different, and the asshats who make blanket statements like those above don’t recognize that.
From my perspective, there are trade-offs either way, having kids young or waiting till later. They say that your body starts sliding downhill after 30, but medical science can do amazing things these days. And there’s a lot to be said for being established and able to support and cherish any kids you might have later. To be honest, I think I’m more tired all the time now than I would have been trying to cope with two rowdy energetic boys as a much younger person. I can _say_ it’d be easier if I were younger trying to cope with these kids, but it didn’t happen that way, and if I’d had kids younger they’d have been different, the circumstances would have been different, life would have been very different. But really, that’s all moot; all those comparisons don’t really matter because you find yourself at certain decision points in your life, and that’s just the way things are for you. It’s not like you can take a magic pill to suddenly become 20 years younger or whatnot.
I’m blathering. Sorry. When I got pregnant I ran into a number of people who told me I was having kids too late, that I was being irresponsible because I’d be too old, I wouldn’t be around for them later, it was against God’s plan, etc. Really! It’s amazing what people feel they can just say out loud to pregnant women. I guess the universality of pregnancy removes the usual social strictures between people.
Anyway. There will always be asshats. They don’t really matter. You know that your deep self is true and you can choose what you feel is right and true for you, and you and whatever kind of family you end up with will be just fine.
Fer what it’s worth, my mother was 41 when I was conceived.
Far as I know, I turned out all right.
(Feel free to correct me on that.) *smiles*
Thanks for your comments, everyone. In a way, I should be grateful to the asshats; It had been a while since I went on a good rant…
😉
When I was at the OB/GYN a couple weeks ago before my exam the doctor (a woman no less) told me that I better start having babies soon because my eggs are starting to go bad. (I just turned 32) I was so incensed!
I’m no where near ready to have kids. And just because I choose to wait a few years doesn’t mean my eggs are going to be bad. And if I can’t have kids, I’m adopting, because there are tons of kids out there who deserve to have a good home. And I swear if someone says to me “well she’s not your *real* child because she’s adopted” they’re going to get the beat down.
Seriously, what is WRONG with people!?
And I swear if someone says to me “well she’s not your *real* child because she’s adopted” they’re going to get the beat down.
Caren, I can’t understand that kind of thinking AT ALL. Seriously. What’s wrong with people indeed.
And your DOCTOR actually said that to you? Gah.
OK time for less feelings and more facts…
First the bad news…Compared with babies born to moms in their early to mid-20s, babies born to older mothers have a higher risk of death and are more likely to be born prematurely, underweight, or have other birth-related problems.
Now the good news…While the risk for older moms is clearly higher, it is still very small.
Additionally…
“Biologically speaking, older women are at a disadvantage, but from a medical and technological point of view this is the best time in history for a woman to have a baby at a later age,” K.S. Joseph, MD, PhD
I’m about to turn 36. My husband and I have talked on and off about having kids; sometimes I feel I want them, and sometimes I don’t. When I was younger, a few years ago, I remember being quite irrationally panicked about my time running out before he was ready; he wanted kids but not yet, and he’s six years younger than I am, so society wasn’t screaming at *him* about his age.
But now, I have more and more friends conceiving older than I am. My good friend Trina had her first child at 40; that child is 3 now and they are still trying for a second child. I just found out in comments about Beckett above, and she’s one of the best moms in the history of ever.
Who you are, and how you feel, are more important than how old you are.
“Asshats” is a marvelous word. And I agree that Beckett is one of the best moms in the history of ever.