This was in the database backup that I couldn’t successfully restore. Brian’s post from yesterday made me want to find it.
I do a lot of subbing at the high school and middle school level. I watch the kids, and it”s pretty easy to see the social stratifications they fall into. Who the “cool” kids are. Who the loners are. Who the nerds are.

For me, this started to happen in 5th grade. I had been friends with the same group of girls from about second grade on. I also had a tenuous relationship with a girl my age, G, who lived down the street from me. Our mothers worked together and were friends. For some reason, G and I were in constant competition. Usually, I felt like an unwilling participant in these competitions. I’d been selected for the gifted program when I was in first grade, and I think G (who wasn’t) felt like she had to beat me in other ways. I liked to draw, so G wanted to draw, too. Things like that.

In 5th grade, G decided that the way to beat me was by excluding me. There was a girl named Diana who lived up the street from us.  G decided that Diana was her best friend. One day, we were walking home from school, and G was going on and on and on about Diana”s birthday, which was coming up. She said that her mom was going to bake  cupcakes, that a group of girls were going to come into school early to decorate Diana’s locker and celebrate. I assumed that this included me…she wouldn’t be talking to me about it if I wasn”t a part of it, right? Wrong.

Just to make sure there was no mistake, G turned to me and said, “And don’t even think about coming, because you”re not invited.”

Ouch. I was speechless. It was all I could do to make it home without crying. And I tried to pretend it didn”t hurt…that I didn”t care. But it did hurt, and I did care. Later, there was a Christmas party at one girl’s house…a select group was invited, they exchanged names and gave each other gifts. It was kept a secret from me, until after, of course. I didn”t understand what was happening. These people were supposed to be my friends. Was there something wrong with me? I wish I could say it ended there. That I moved on, found new friends and had little to do with G and her crew. I almost did…but on the first day of 6th grade, G declared that I was invited to sit at her table in the cafeteria. I was “in”. G found other people to exclude, and I was more or less left alone. There were times when she got jealous…when I started to get close with Jennifer, for example. She didn’t want me having anything she didn’t have. She didn”t want anyone having anything she didn’t have.

I know now that G was incredibly insecure. Maybe even more insecure than me. One year, when we were going to the prom, I overheard G’s mother tell her that she looked beautiful. “Much prettier than T.” (her cousin) I haven’t exactly kept in touch with G. I went to her wedding. I run into her every now and then. I know she’s probably forgotten all of this.

I’ve grown up. I’ve gotten on with my life, and I don’t hold any grudges. But I’ll never forget. I see girls like me, and I want to tell them that it’ll be all right. That even though it seems like G is the center of the universe, she’s not.

I’ve been feeling weirdly disconnected and lonely the past few days. It’s always strange to feel lonely when you’re not alone.

I don’t know what it is. Could just the blogstuff, I suppose…but whatever it is, I’m having a hard time verbalizing it, to anyone. I feel raw. Exposed. Fragile. I’ve been about thisclose to bursting into tears all day.

Sigh. Here’s hoping I snap out of it soon.