Category Archives: wedding wednesday

Wedding Wednesday–the blogs

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I have a love-hate relationship with wedding blogs. Well, it’s mostly hate, but for some strange reason, I cannot seem to look away.

I don’t even read that many of them…I saved a couple in Bloglines so that I could come back to them every now and then. Every once in a while, I see something cute or clever or fun, which is apparently enough to keep me coming back.

Mostly though, they’re just symptoms of this all-pervasive bride culture I’ve complained about before. Girls going on and on and on about their dream weddings and dream photographers and dream cakes and so on. Making it seem as if it’s altogether reasonable to spend $200 on shoes. (I guess for some people $200 for shoes is entirely reasonable. I am not one of those people…)

*Speaking of shoes, I was recently chided for not updating the masses on my shoe decision. That would be because there hasn’t been a shoe decision.  I didn’t send the Skechers back. I’ve decided that I’ll wait and see how they look with the dress, and if I don’t end up wearing them, I’ll just have a cute pair of summery shoes.

Anyway, some of the things that bridey bride brides agonize over just make me roll my eyes. Shall I (gasp!) print my envelopes, or must I hand address? Who cares? I’m of the “do what makes you happy” camp (unless, of course, what makes you happy is being a bridezilla and making everyone you love hate you). I suppose there are etiquette sticklers who do care, but really…have you ever changed your opinion of someone because of the way their wedding invitation was addressed? I know I haven’t…and what’s more, if anyone I knew changed their opinion of ME over something so trivial, well, I’d kind of prefer they stayed home anyway.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

I have lots of bloggy catching up to do…and I will get to it, eventually. I want to write about some of my Christmas loot, and some of the crafty things I did, and New Year’s Eve. I hope you all were able to ring in the new year in a way that made you happy. I know I did!

(pssst…guess what? We’re getting married this year! Whee!) 

Wedding Wednesday

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So here’s the truth…

I haven’t made a single wedding-related decision since I ordered the dress.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am terrible at decision-making. Sometimes I’m paralyzed by the question of what to eat for lunch. And God forbid that I make a decision and then, for whatever reason, have to make a different selection. That entree you wanted? We’re out of it. Sorry, no cranberry juice. Etc. And what is planning a wedding but constantly making decisions?

Thankfully the big stuff is out of the way…but now, we have all of these little decisions to make, and I know that I should probably get moving on some of them, but I just don’t want to. One of my aunts wants to buy me something wedding related for Christmas. She suggested toasting glasses, but she wants me to pick them out. Could there be something I’ve thought about less? I don’t think so. Several people have asked what I’m going to do with my hair. Uhm…I dunno?

Veil? I dunno. Flowers? I dunno. Cake? I dunno. You get the idea.

Lots of people, of course, ask me how the plans are coming. I smile and say “fine.” And then I feel a slight pang of panic deep down. Am I supposed to be doing something? What am I supposed to be doing? 

I’m not going to pretend that I never considered the idea of my wedding until the moment I was engaged, but I’m certainly not one of those girls who had everything all figured out ahead of time.

I don’t really know what my point is here…I know I’m rambling.  I guess I’ve always known that I didn’t really care about most of this minutiae. I’m just now realizing how much. And yet, the decisions will have to be made anyway…

Wedding Wednesday

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I’m afraid I don’t have anything terribly profound or interesting today. I had to stop in at Barnes & Noble today. I was on my way to an appointment and had forgotten to bring my book to read (I had taken it out of my bag at school and left it there….gah), so I figured I’d pick up a magazine to read while I was waiting. I decided on the current issue of Martha Stewart Weddings.

This was exactly the second wedding magazine I’ve purchased. The first was an issue of…I don’t even remember…Brides, probably, that I picked up shortly after becoming engaged. And much like I did with the first one, I finished flipping through it thinking “Well, that was a waste of money.”

There’s so little practical advice in them, particularly for people who don’t plan on spending insane amounts of money on their wedding.

I haven’t read it, but I picked up this book once at a bookstore: One Perfect Day–The Selling of the American Wedding. (I would love to read it. I’m just not sure I want to own it.) The thesis statement of the book is that the wedding industry is out of control. I can’t disagree. And while I am having a wedding, I’m not going to lose my mind (or enter into bankruptcy) over it.

What was my point? Oh, yeah…Bridal magazines. All of them (there used to be, like, two. What happened?) work to perpetuate this whole “perfect day” myth. As I’ve said before, and will continue to say, I’m much more concerned with the marriage than with the wedding. Yeah, we’re spending a decent chunk of money on the party…but we’re doing it because we want our friends and family there with us. We want it to be a true celebration of our love and our life together, not some fairy-tale idea of a perfect day.

But speaking of the day…there are lots of things that we have to do still, I know, but I’m finding myself wishing it would just be here already. Truthfully, it would probably have been sooner if not for my choice of careers and the uncertainty of it all (you know, the having no idea whether or not I’m going to have a steady job in the spring…). It seems too far away right now, but I know it’ll be here before I know it. And so I’ll continue waiting, and making plans…and I will pledge to buy no more wedding magazines. 😉

Wedding Wednesday–What’s in a name?

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When you get engaged, one of the first questions you hear (after “have you set a date”) from a lot of people is “are you taking his name?”

It’s a question previous generations didn’t give much thought to…the answer was always yes. That’s what was done, and it wasn’t questioned.

I’ve watched lots and lots of friends go through this process. I know some people who kept their names. I know others who hyphenated, or used their maiden name as a middle name. I know some people who agonized over the decision and ended up taking their husband’s name. And I know others who were adamantly against changing their name, and yet when the wedding came around, they did.

My answer? It is and always has been yes.

I don’t have a problem with anyone choosing not to, or hyphenating, or whatever else they decide to do…like so many other decisions women have to make, particularly those involving marriage and children, these are personal decisions that become very, very public. And public decisions mean that people have no problem offering their opinion on the matter. Not too long ago, I read an article on Feministing that made me feel shame for wanting to take my future husband’s name. Shame. 

Yes, I know that it’s not very progressive of me. I know that it’s based on a patriarchal system that treated women as property (and that there are people in this world who still do). I’ve thought about that, and I’ve weighed it out, and I’ve decided that I don’t care. I want it. I want to share his name…I want it to be our name.

At this point in my life, I’m fairly secure in my identity. My name doesn’t change who I am. I don’t have a solidly established career that would suffer from my changing my name.

And besides–I hit the jackpot in the name department. Rand’s last name is gorgeous.

One thing that does bug me, that I still see happening enough to have complained about it in the past, is when a woman essentially loses her first name as a result of getting married, being referred to as “Mrs. Brad Pitt” (or whatever). Even worse…back in my reporter days, when I had to transcribe birth announcements, I would see people being referred to as Mrs. John Smith (the former Jane Doe).

Gah. I have always hated that wording…as if that person no longer exists. But I digress.

At any rate, next July, I will jump through the necessary hoops to become Erin Bellavia…but that doesn’t mean Erin Nappe has ceased to be. I’ll just have a different name. And I think I’ll smell every bit as sweet.

Wedding Wednesday

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Well, the stress dreams seem to have left me…at least for the time being.

I’ve been thinking a lot about wedding traditions lately. Everyone seems to have such strong opinions about them, and it can be very difficult to buck tradition. Here are some of the things Rand and I are thinking about doing (and not doing).

The garter/bouquet toss

I stopped being amused by the bouquet toss approximately ten years ago. Plus, there won’t exactly be hordes of single people at the wedding. It’s a dwindling group…the last thing I want to do is humiliate my remaining single friends and family.

Okay, I’ll admit that it was sort of cute when Rand and I caught the respective objects at my brother’s wedding…but still…

The Chicken Dance

Is this really a tradition? Ah well. I must admit that I actually *enjoy* the chicken dance. It stays.

The Dollar Dance

I know that the dollar dance is a regional/cultural tradition, and those who didn’t grow up with it tend to find it appalling. I don’t want to do it, but not because I think it’s tacky…I don’t want to do it because it takes freaking forever. The bigger your wedding, the more people lining up to dance. Augh.

Can anyone tell me why the “girly” shot for the dollar dance is always Peach Schnapps? Blergh.

The Bridal Party

This is the one I think I might take some flak over. Rand and I have discussed this one at length…and we’ve decided not to have a traditional bridal party. Many of our friends and family will be involved in the wedding in important ways, and we’d rather have them doing important things than wearing matching clothes and posing for pictures.

And my friends, the ones I will turn to for advice, the ones who will be holding my hand and keeping me sane through all of this, will be doing that regardless of what they’re wearing.

My cousin Brandy will be my sole “attendant”–in charge of holding my flowers, etc. We’re also going to get Rand’s nephews involved in some way.

The huge, towering cake

Haven’t quite worked out what we’re doing here…but I’m thinking of a small ceremonial cake for Rand and I to cut, and some other (less expensive) option to serve our guests…perhaps sheet cake, or cupcakes made and decorated by family if that’s logistically possible.

The DJ

Already been discussed. No DJ.

I think I’m forgetting some things, but that’s good enough for now, I think. What are your favorite/least favorite wedding traditions?

Wedding Wednesday–A Girl’s Best Friend

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blingy bling

I love my ring. I really do.

I’ve never been much of a jewelry girl, really. I usually have one pair of earrings (gold hoops) that I wear regularly. Before the engagement, the last ring I wore was my sorority pin that I had turned into a ring after graduating from college…and it’s been years since I wore that. I keep a few cheap, funky necklaces and earrings on hand for when I dress up all fancy…and that’s about it.

Ever since the first time the idea of a diamond actually crossed my mind, I began casually observing rings–both on the fingers of women I knew and in jewelry stores. I’ve never been a fan of the high prong settings that seem to jump off the finger. I’ve also never been one for the ginormous stone. I’m all about the modest. The tasteful. When I went looking for a ring, I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted, but I was quite sure about what I didn’t want. I was also quite sure about what I didn’t care about. If anyone tried talking to me about the “four Cs,” my eyes glazed over in a matter of seconds. Just. Don’t. Care.

A couple of years ago, I was getting my haircut, and I overheard one of the stylists talking about her friend’s engagement ring…it was four carats, or something obscene like that…saying that when she got engaged, her ring had better be at least that big.

And I thought to myself, “Hm. There really are women like that in the world.”

Shortly after my engagement, Jen sent me a link to the site true bride confessions. I spent too much time there, reading the posts, being alternately amused and horrified. Here’s an example of a post in the “horrified” column:

“I was so disappointed when I saw the ring when my fiancee proposed.

I know it’s so shallow and selfish, but I wanted a ring that would compare to my friends and co-workers. I was embarassed to show mine to anyone, because it’s a little small in comparison.

I never said a word to him, and acted thrilled, but I was so let down.

As a woman, I know how other women think. A big ring means he really loves you a lot, and is willing to go into debt in girl language.“

Again, with the “OMG, there really are women like this in the world.”

So let me get this straight…Debt=Love? That is one seriously messed up worldview. I mean really…doesn’t getting married mean that his debt becomes YOUR debt?

Anyway. For me, when it came right down to it, it wasn’t the ring that mattered at all. It was what the ring symbolized. I wanted something beautiful. I wanted something that looked like it belonged on my finger. And when I walked into that vintage jewelry shop and saw this ring, I knew. I was so sad when I thought it was gone. (And truthfully, even if it had been, I would have gotten over it…it was never the ring that *really* mattered.)

Maybe out there in that “girl world” in which I cheerfully refuse to participate, people are judging me for not having a rock the size of my head.

*shrug*

I don’t care. Rand could have given me a plastic ring from a gumball machine and I would have been equally as thrilled.

Maybe diamonds are some girls’ best friends…just not mine.

Wedding Wednesday

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The plans are chugging along, so there’s really not much for me to talk about there. The reception is booked, and the deposit has been paid. My dress has been ordered. I ordered these shoes yesterday. (I figure that gives me plenty of time to make sure they’re what I want…plus, I know that I love the shoes, so chances are I’ll wear them regardless.)

Things I haven’t really thought about yet…colors. We’re not doing the full-on “wedding party” thing, instead involving our friends and family in other ways. I love them dearly, but I really don’t see any need to ask them to buy matching dresses. We are going to involve my goddaughter and Rand’s nephews…so Brandy will need a dress, and I need a coordinating color anyway. I’ve considered going with red…or maybe a mauve-y or rose-y color. I dunno…I just want it to look good with the dress. And then there’s flowers. Lots to think about, of course, but I’m not really freaking out. I’m just kind of taking it as it comes.

I got to thinking about this post, written way back in February 2006, prompting many people to ask if there was news they didn’t know about. No, no news. Just the random meanderings of my brain…recalling the past and musing about the future. I ended that post with this:

I couldn’t care less about being a princess for a day. What I do care about is being his wife…his love…his partner…for a lifetime.

I’m glad to know that now, with the ring on my finger and the plans steadily moving forward, that this hasn’t changed. There was a small amount of freaking out while we were trying to find a place and set a date…but once that was done, I calmed down considerably. And now, every now and then, I look at Rand and think to myself, “We’re getting married.” (Sometimes I even say it out loud…I’m such a dork.)

And I smile.

hugs